Floppy, Leonine locks, baseball caps, and golden chest hair, Fightin’ Robbie is the posh face of the Stella Hands. Seemingly drinking more wine than actually selling it, Fightin’ even scares Clokey after he’s been on the lash and that’s saying something. Robbie can usually be found in one of three places on a rugby field; soaring in the lineout, about ten yards offside or starting fights that Greg finishes. Usually it’s a combination of all three.

     

Officially retarded!
The inventor of Snakebite and Black at the age of 14, Barnesy soon progressed onto better things when Tennents launched "SuperBrew" at 10% ABV and 99p a can. A stint in the catering industry in France was short lived as he felt could no longer continue after his lost washed his jeans with his wihte T shirts. A former doyen of the Folkestone Herald, the last editorial concerning him involved the wanton destruction by chainsaw of a collection of prize winning hollyhocks outside some old dear's garden. He readily applies the same scorched earth policy to his rugby and is never happy than when carving holes through both packs of forwards simultaneously.  Barnesy is also able to run at full speed with his shoulders below his hips, a feat no other mammal can accomplish.

One of the hands most feared strike weapons but has lost weeks to buttocks strains suffered whilst not at training. With the uncanny ability to break the defensive line with his upright running style and elusive step, he also provides a great platform when he manages the squeeze ball with precision. The man with all the jokes and often the life and soul of the party, creator of the Ladyboy, and a fine recipient of it, an enigma of Stella Hands and all it stands for, his one claim to fame is that he completed a Ladyboy in New Zealand whilst on the phone to the boys in Holland – strength and honour!

Mad-Dog Berryman has two states: insane bursts of flailing activity off the back of the scrum, and asleep in restaurants. Bezza’s strictly old school, combining the physique of Johnny Vegas with the insight of Helen Keller, in a nightmarish vision compounded by his growing interest in Super Ron’s sports bras and fashion boots. He has two tries in him per season, which he usually wastes in pre-season tournaments. Like all Northerners made good down South, Dan has a massive chip on his shoulder and his one regret is he can’t quite reach it with his mouth.

Stella Hands’ very own Barry Sheen, Karl’s Silver Fox moniker refers more to expensive metal holding his bones together than his distinguished barnet. A truly class half-back, he can still be found reclining at the bar in his now-defunct motorbike leathers, sinking a Lucozade or two whilst helping the tour virgins with any legal difficulties they may have. Age shall not wither him, although a cold day seems to do a pretty good job.

Elusive, elegant and posher than Hugh Grant, The Rt Hon William Stanaway-Campbell-Pumpkinson-Farfar has graced rugby fields for almost sixty years, seemingly all of them without putting in a single tackle. Nails is a damaging ball runner who possess remarkable speed and agility for a man of his age. Billy the Whiz once used to be quick but with age comes experience and he has plenty of that. Once one for the ladies now prefers the ubitquitous ladyboy, and the excitement of competition, and despite his almost constant bleating about the coach journey he’ll be looking to re-establish himself as Danny Barnes’ favourite bitch.

The quiet man of the Barnes contingent, Chedge always puts his best work in at the bar. Part of Dan’l and Danny Mackinnon’s fashionista posse, he’s more comfortable in tank tops and tight t-shirts, than boots and shirts, though even his scrum cap comes from Sloane Square, he possibly the campest man at the Victoria branch of LA Fitness.

This fellow Stella Hands Brother seems to have been around as long as the more 'senior' members that surround him.  You'd never guess he is still only 16 years young.  It doesn't help that he is always seen giving a 'Reach-Round' to women over twice his age.  His claim to fame is taking out Ben Edwards the giant on an FRFC tour to Prague, and being the member who can vomit the most in one hour.

One half of the legendary Spicer-Cloke vaudeville duo, “Le Docteur” has comforted many a tourist with his patented reviving tinctures and fruity beverages over the years. Sadly a series of gut strains brought on by too many Gingsters pasties and Panda pops have stalled his career, leading to a tragic spiral of self-medication, usually by the litre, which has left him with a bad-boy limp and a dependency on Shopmobility. He made a heroic comeback in 2005 with a two-try blast, could 2006 see the return of the Cloke?