After years being flogged around the pitch and berated for not jumping in the lineout, The Dominator has finally spurned the bright lights of London and opened a deli in darkest Dorset. Almost immediately this has seen a drop in the sales of custom-coloured scrum caps in SW London, although this downside has meant the fabled four ball has finally been seen after a long absence on the fields of Barnes. Dom will be providing the sandwiches and houmous for this year’s trip.

Sparrow legs

The Dweef was the most fashionable on tour this year, busting the latest street ragamuffin looks from Mothercare’s summer range. He bitched all the way to Uden, bitched when the drinks came out, bitched when he had to play dizzy sticks, bitched when he had to play on Sunday and bitched all the way home, but he secretly loved it. Particularly being Danny Barnes’ bitch…

One of the ageless veterans of the side, Pete Marshall must love getting injured because he seems to come back a better player every single time. Admittedly he was piss-poor to start with, but at the going rate he could be the oldest player ever to get a County U17 cap. It’ll be a close run thing between making the grade and using crutches mind.

The big chief and captain my captain, the co-founder and organiser-in-chief of the Stella Hands, without Del none of the of the relentless six-hour coach journey in baking heat, the dizzy sticks, the circus tent, the Jagermeister, the warm Ruddles and Belgium sangria would be possible. Make sure you thank him when you see him.

Luckily for John and Sarah McPartlin, Gay A is rapidly becoming the favourite son; not only has he graduated, he did it twice just to show the others, and is now studying to become a doctor, and Lord knows we need one. Not only that he’s the only McPartlin known to pack a decent tackle, and even more devastating to the family reputation, is the fact he’s fairly tenacious on the pitch. Although the paternity tests were inclusive, all the sharp money is that he was adopted.

Another one of the feckless McPartlin clan, Chris is just about clinging onto his slender frame before ‘blooming’ into the family physique. Fuelled by Summer Lightening and spaghetti bolognaise, Chris has followed the other traditional family career path of failing university twice, before ending up in an office as somebody’s bitch. His parents must be very proud. He could be very good if he good be arsed

Despite constant claims having “one more season” in him Greggy’s grip on rugby is slowly slipping away. First his halcyon days of number two jumper were brutally ended as his svelte frame was pushed into the front row, and now gout (apparently brought on by broccoli rather than his alcohol intake) and fatherhood are seeing him slip quietly into the good night of retirement. Which leaves one question, who’s going to finish Fightin’ Robbie’s fights when he goes? Greggy’s favourite drink is all of them, in a bucket, with a curry chaser.

Mo has possibly the scariest death stare in the world and always enjoys his trips abroad, even if there is a six-seat exclusion zone around his travel insanity. He is the Hand’s nominated charity for 2006, with various high-profile events designed to demean, dishonour and otherwise discredit the salty dog for his 50th birthday. It’s unlikely this year’s Uden trip is going to pleasant for him so say your farewells whilst you can.

International rower, philosopher, best man par excellence, IT manager and tour treasurer, Johnny Oz is a stalwart through and through. Cut him in half and he’ll bleed, and after you’ve scraped away the Adidas trackie bottoms, bandages holding him together, gore and ralgex you’ll find a heart burning with the desire to play another round of suicide mexi. Sadly retired now due to his sea-sickness, dodgy knees, and susceptibility to sunburn, Saucepan has taken on the mantle of supplying the match day tiny glasses of lager for the boys this year. Here’s hoping his handling has improved.

Many believe Huw’s elusive style is down to his innate genius. Tragically the truth is simply the fact he wears glasses thicker than Woody, which leads him to ping-pong about the pitch like a hyperactive kid on speed. This memorably included one run that saw him rebound off all 15 opposition players only to be flattened by Greg McP five metres short. He has high hopes of an international call-up from the RNIB.